i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
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