Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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