Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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