Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
