the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
