Im at strip club and am horny
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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