Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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