broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
