So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
