Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
