I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
