So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
