she woke up with a sticky ear
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
