hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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