You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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