I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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