I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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