Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
