Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
