just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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