theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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