i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
