I haven't been this sober since birth.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
