We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
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He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
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THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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