hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
