my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
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we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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