I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
