My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
