i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
