my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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