It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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