So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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