i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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