broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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