I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
