I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
