Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
