She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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