Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Randomize
