my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
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Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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