Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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