Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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