Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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