Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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