I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
