So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
