Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
