I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
