I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
