ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
