i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
