if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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