If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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