Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
