Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
