Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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