I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
