i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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